


Burn

by enkelimagnus



Series: Character Explorations [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x11, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Coda, Could be Canon divergence? I have no idea yet, Gen, Season 2 Episode 11 Coda, sebastian POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 09:12:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16385285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enkelimagnus/pseuds/enkelimagnus
Summary: Sebastian's inner monologue as Isabelle calls Alec.





	Burn

**Author's Note:**

> The biggest of thanks to AlterEgon for the help!

She is talking to her brother on the phone. He isn’t paying attention to what she is saying. He has no idea if he would understand it really. He doesn’t work like she does. He doesn’t function like her. 

He is supposed to be making tea. Instead, he can feel the flesh of his palm burning. It feels… it doesn’t feel good. Because it’s burning, and burns aren’t supposed to feel good. It feels blank and that’s what matters, really. 

What matters is that the flame is burning his flesh, and taking the urge to hurt people with it. What matters is that the flame is settling that demon side of him, it’s controlling it. It’s making it go quiet, for once, and that’s really matters. 

Because there is her, and she is in his apartment, and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He wants to drink tea, maybe. Drink tea, and look at the pain in her eyes, and settle on that. Settle on the yin fen still wrapped in her flesh. Maybe if he sucks it all out, the yin fen and the shame and the fear and the hatred and the pain, maybe he’ll feel a little more sated. 

Burn. Fire is good. It just burns everything, and you can start again fresh and new. He just kinda wants to start again like that. He’s not like her. She does bad things sometimes, and she kills people, good people sometimes, but she has a purpose that is better than anything he can ever think of. 

She talks and she talks, on the phone still. She says ‘I love you’ to someone. Strange words. He knows those words of course, that’s what Mother said to him when he did well. Those words burn like the flame on his palm. He didn’t know you could say them for no reason. 

Humans are strange. He knows he’s supposed to be one of them, but he also knows he is not. If he was, he would feel something when he smiles.

Her name is Isabelle. It’s pretty. It sounds like music. Like Father’s old piano. ‘Isabelle Lightwood’. 

“I think the tea is ready now.” She says to him. 

He hides his hand. What would she think if she saw? Would she be like other humans? ‘monster, demon, psycho, abomination’. Which one this time? Maybe just Sebastian. Right now it’s what everyone calls him. How he calls himself too. Sebastian. 

He smiles at her as he pours the boiling water over the tea leaves. So close to his hand. To his skin. Just a few centimeters and he can almost feel it already. 

He puts the kettle down. He smiles again. Is it real? What’s genuine in the way he smiles? The same muscles work, the same muscle that are at work when Isabelle smiles. She is smiling too right now. 

She looks more alive. It’s good really. Alive looks good. It’s late. The night has fallen and some of New York has fallen asleep. She smiles and she is tired and it shows. She has only just started withdrawing from yin fen. 

Yin fen sounds funny to his mouth. Those sounds together. Yin fen. He’s certain her blood would still taste like venom right now, if she let him taste. 

She’s not going to let anyone taste her for a long time, he can feel it. She’s strange, this human girl. She’s nervous. Nervous and strong and also weak.

He could seduce her. Take advantage of her. There’s only one bed after all. It would be so easy. He’s seen so many humans do that. Heard so many humans talk about that. She’s beautiful and weak and vulnerable in a way that wouldn’t make many humans think twice. He knows demons use that technique too. Sex. He’s heard about it. 

Her eyes are vulnerable when she opens her mouth. He places a drop of the yin fen medicine on her tongue. He can see the change. He can see the way her eyes close slightly and roll back. Her lips part and she bares her throat. 

Soft skin, black runes, and blood and he sees the way his blades could cut through her skin and make her bleed right there and right then. There would be a stain on the carpet. 

Hours later, and there’s no stain on the carpet. She’s sleeping in his bed too. He’s not in his bed with her. He doesn’t know why. He could be there, curled up against her warm living human body. He isn’t. 

He’s on the couch. It’s deep and comfortable and nice. He didn’t know couches could be this nice. There was his bed in Edom. It somehow wasn’t as nice as the couch right now. 

She tosses and turns in his bed. What does she dream about? He doesn’t often dream. He doesn't often sleep either. Sleep is for humans. He’s a monster. Stuck between human and demon. Neither. Both. He needs pain. 

He stands up from the couch and walks to the bathroom and takes off his clothes. The shower is loud. The water is hot. Not hot enough but if he stays under it for long enough it will start burning. It will not burn enough for relief, but at least he’ll be able to keep going for a moment. 

His skin starts to redden and he starts feeling it. His hair is wet and his eyes feel too hot because of the water but it’s good. He keeps the shower running and the burn going until he starts to feel blank. Reboot.


End file.
